Desperation

I did something very wrong recently.  It could have been disastrous.

I then compounded the damage by not apologizing properly.  I was truly and completely sorry, but I didn't say that.   I was too busy trying to build myself back up I didn't see who I was knocking down.  It didn't end there.  I started to panic and I shut myself down.  I just kept fucking up.  No censorship.  If you are a kid and you are reading this you know this word already.  And I mean it; I fucked up. Repeatedly.

I was feeling unloved and unworthy and I was neither of those things.  I was flat out wrong.  I found the anger and fear and insecurity I have never let go of and I wrapped myself so thick in it that I blinded myself to who I really am. To what I really am, and to what I was to people. I put it on like an old, worn-soft flannel shirt and decided that is what I was to to wear.  I  threw myself back.  I should have seen it coming.  I think maybe I did see it coming and didn't let myself find my anchor and use it.  I was desperate to be seen differently; to be seen as better than I was, to deny the ugly parts of me.

I am stubborn.  It's more than that, I am obdurate.  I saw what I wanted to.  I was heading in the right direction and I let my emotions drag me off into the dark.  I didn't listen to my brain.  It's a pretty good brain, too.  I didn't listen to the people who loved me.  I didn't let myself.  They loved and supported me and tried to shake me out of it.  I didn't let them even when all the love was starting to sink in and feel right.  I was believing I was loved and could be loved.  Then I let everything that was bothering me build up and overwhelm "me".  I let myself fall into a hole.  Then I dug it deeper.  My emotions hijacked my reason.   I just lost it.  My reason and my sense of justice.  My morality and my integrity.  MY INTEGRITY.  All of it. 

Not so very deep down I knew my behaviour was wrong.  I didn't see how it was wrong, how wrong it it was. Stupid. Foolish. Dangerous.  Selfish.

I know that I am worthy of being loved.  I was loved.  I deserved that.   I am loved.  I deserve it.  Even the ugly bits.  It's okay to have ugly bits.  It's all me.  I can be pretty Awesome.  

I take responsibility for my stupidity, my selfishness and stubbornness.  I will work to not devalue or debase myself again.  I am worth too much to do that to myself.

I will fix this.  It's mine to fix.  I own this.