Labels

Recently I went searching for reasons why I was having trouble dealing with the world.

I had labels stuck on me.  I looked at those labels and thought they fit.  They explained things.  I understood what they meant and how they made other people feel about me.  They were informative and I thought that those labels would help me realize what I was doing wrong and how to fix myself.

I searched for some to stick on myself.  I wanted to have reasons Why; I wanted concrete already defined Labels to tell me what I was.  That way I would know what to expect.  With labels come experts and studies and data.  I would be able to pick that diagnosis apart so I could figure myself out and fix things.

I did research; I did homework with my therapist.  I madly pinned articles on Pinterest when I had a moment and then went back and read them later at night when I couldn't sleep.

I went through many moments where I thought I had figured out which label, besides the two I was already wearing that had I had bought from someone else, fit me.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Depression

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

Pretty much everything in Cluster C...


It took me a while to puzzle out that I didn't need a Label because I didn't merit one.

I thought having a diagnosis would make things make sense.  I thought that it would be a magical relief, a reason for my inability to handle everything that was happening on my own.

What I really needed to do is stop defining myelf by how other people see me.  I needed to become someone I loved, someone I liked, even.  I needed to be supported in that and to support myself with that.

Moving on.