Emotional Habits and the Prefrontal Cortex

Knowing about the brain does not prevent me from making mistakes; nor does it prevent me from making the same mistake repeatedly.

If I have learned anything at all this past half year, it is that I am in need of a good therapist.  Seriously.  I am aware of what I am doing wrong.  I can even see it quite clearly after I do it.  I retreat to emotional regulation patterns formed in childhood and, when stressed, can't see where I am going off the rails.  

I am never going to be able to remove the stress from my life.  Reduce, yes.  Remove, no.  I have felt stress over the past six months.  It built up and then exploded.  I have not been coping with that in a particularly productive manner.

When we are under a lot of stress, habits rule.  Our prefrontal cortexes, which regulate our behaviours, become over taxed and kick in our automatic brains.  My automatic brain needs retuning.  I need to be able to manage the vicissitudes of reality.  I am capable of getting to a place where I can not just manage but rock these changes that define life.

I should not keep trying to retune my brain on my own.  Doing so will take far too long and require far too much emotional understanding from the people around me.  I can't keep throwing things around and seeing what happens.  I am not a two-year-old.  These emotional tantrums must stop.

I am an intelligent, loveable person who knows that the choices she is making right now are not the best for her, for her family or for the people she chooses to love.  I can't keep asking for support from other people, for love from other people, for help from anyone at all without finding that support, love and help from myself.  If what other people give me is going to have value, I need to be able to accept it and give it to myself as well.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am and move to where I do not have to keep issuing apologies because I can't see past what I feel at the moment.  I need to stop blaming who I am for all of this and realize that it's who I am that will fix this.  It's not my fault; I don't need to throw things and scream to prove it.  I don't need to be forgiven for being me.  I don't need to be told by others that it's okay that I am not doing my best right now.  It's not.  I am selfish and obdurate.  

I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I need help overcoming these issues I am having.  I need help.  I want to navigate the world and my emotions in a way that does not require me to apologize because my attempts at changing perspective and becoming more supportive are nugatory; I need them not to be. I need to stop being so dominated by feeling that I trigger alarm bells and give my amygdala fuel.  Fuck my amygdala; it's for emergencies, not for long term living.  I have got what dime store psychologists call "Toddler Brain."  Fuck that, too.

My brain has needed to grow up for a while.  Now it wants to; I shall find it help.

Together, on our own

This week the kids spent their first week at "The house with Mum."

We survived.  We had some fun.  We worked a few things out and there were bumps.  Overall it was a decent beginning.

Their dad and I are still working out important details, but we'll get there.

This house is a step along the way.  I want to be able to keep things as stable as possible for the kids, and for me.

I would us all to remember what matters.

Moving forward I need to find us a permanent home.  I need to figure out how to make that happen.

I need to throw away the Might Have and the Wanted To and deal with the What Is.

I am doing this.  I can do it better.