All apologies

What else should I be? ...

What else should I say? ...

I suck at apologies.

I thought that when I explained the how and why and said that I was wrong, that was better than saying I was sorry.   I thought that the apology would be tacit.  What it was was insouciant.   I believed that it was better that way. What I didn't see what that the how, why and admission are about me, the apology is about the person I wronged.

It's more than regrettable that I have taken so long to wake up to this.  It's asinine.  It's not like I haven't been told that I was behaving selfishly about apologizing.  I am also not stupid, parts of me are, but my brain isn't.

Not apologizing when you know you are wrong, even if you have tried to explain how you feel and why you did what you did, is ignorant.   Apologizing when you mean it is important.   The apology won't fix what you did.  I used to think that I didn't apologize because I didn't want to be forgiven.  I was equating the apology to me fixing things, not to me relating how I felt and showing my shame.  If you want to fix what you did, you have to make it right.  To learn and to understand and to think beyond the wrong.  You may not be able to fix the thing you did.  You can fix yourself.  If you are fortunate, the person or people you wronged will give you the chance to show them how you have done so.

Why blog about all of this, lately?

I make mistakes.  I make big mistakes.  I don't want to hide this from myself.  I started this blog years ago to not hide.  I didn't get far enough.  I have to leap farther.

I can fix this, in me.  I can look around and see what else there is to fix as well.  Taking your vehicle in to get new tires, knowing that you also need a new suspension and then cursing the new tires afterwards because you are still bouncing around like a rubber ball is pointless.