Some Days Suck

I feel the voids today; I haven't turned them into spaces.  The vacuum sucks some of what I have been sweeping out back in again; self-doubt, insecurity, fear.

Blown. Wide. Open.

I needed people today.  I needed reassurance.  I have been wanting it lately but haven't felt an absolute NEED.  Today it felt like something that I had to have.

I feel hollow.  I feel unworthy.  I feel incapable.

I feel alone.

I was told recently by someone I love that I pretended to be someone worth loving, but I wasn't that.

I will own that for a long time.  That will hurt for a long time.

How awful do you have to be to have someone say that to you?  Someone who once told you that you were better at being human than anyone else that person knew or had known.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Self doubt.  Self-hate.  Insecurity.  Trust issues.

Right now all of that screams at me every day; some days the cacophony of collective darkness runs quietly in the background, some days it is all I hear.

I never wanted it this way.

Today I hate the world, and I am not so fond of myself, but I know I am in there somewhere.

Today I can say I am not a terrible human being.  Today I can say that I love people.  Today I can say that I am moving forwards and that I know it will take time.

I Am Human, And...

Three days ago I felt like I was balancing between crazy and crazier.

Today I realized I was dancing to angry music in my kitchen while making popcorn for myself.

Sleep, something positive to reflect on and balanced meds.

I feel like I can breathe.

Hello, Human.