Exposure

I thought that I was operating on a relatively high moral plane.

I truly wasn't.  

For the most part it seemed as if I was.  I was capable of doing so with regard to the bits that were easy and that were not challenging my sense of self.  I wasn't for the bits that triggered my insecurities.  Which means, of course, that I wasn't really up there.  I saw myself there, but when I looked at it closely I know that I knew that it was camouflage.  I was a façade.  I saw that and didn't act.  I was too complacent, too selfish.  And then the wall fell.

My parenting, my ability to be a friend, my self-image have all been shaken and laid bare.  I have been found wanting.  I have found myself wanting, and it has cut me to the core.  Ending a fifteen year long relationship causes stress.  I didn't react well to that stress.  I took everything I had built and blew it up.  My anger belied my integrity and I retreated to the self preserving core that I have always seen but never really taken the time to examine.  It is more than that though.  I have always been wanting.  I have left holes and made mistakes that it will take a long time to fill and fix.  I hurt people.  

I am not writing this for you.  This is about me. This is not for you.  I need to get this out of me.   I need to stop and look around and see what I have done and what I have left undone.  I can't dwell on what was, or what should have been.  I have to get this out and keep it out and walk around it poking into it to turn it all over and aerate the core.  I need this to decompose.  It's my own kind of therapy; an open diary.

Divulging all of this rawness in a global forum makes me uncomfortable.  I should be uncomfortable.   I want to change.  I need to change; to evolve, even.   I need to not do things the way I have done them in the past.  I need to not tuck this into the layers and fold it into myself.   I don't know if this is the right way to do this, it can't be worse than doing nothing.