Anger, again.

And so I cannot really escape the anger, even when I truly wish to.

This time I didn't build anything with it except a good head of steam to power a full on charge.  I chose not to wrap it around me and fend things off.  I chose to push it out.  Not a better approach.

I need to learn to control this.

While it may seem as if being angry when you feel wronged is a natural state,  it doesn't help anything and can be destructive.  It should not be the logical conclusion to feeling attacked.  Anger fuels the pain, and the hurt and it stops me from seeing how my anger is creating pain in other people.  It stops me from checking to make certain that there really is something to be upset about.  

I need to learn to control it.

I want to be the person I feel I am inside.  The person that peeks out when things are smiley and calm and when I don't feel small and insecure.  I want to learn to love so much that I can accept things that would make me angry now.  I need to learn to examine the issue, look at the people involved, apply empathy and understanding before I leap to defend myself against attacks that are not there.  Anger is not a defence or a coping mechanism.  It's often the cause of the pain, at the very least it exacerbates it.  

I used to be better at this.  I used to understand my brain better.  I used to be able to see around things and through things that didn't matter.  Issues used to be more transparent.  

Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to reason through things.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I was learning to care more about myself, to love myself more and I took that too far.  I made things about me that shouldn't have been.  I didn't have the balance I needed.

I really don't know why.  

When is it okay to have something hurt, and when isn't it?  Why should things hurt?  How do you know when you should own something that has gone wrong or when it isn't yours to own?

Why do I feel like I own so much?  What is mine to own and what isn't?  What am I going to do about that?

Questions to be answered.  Paths to find.