"Balance is no harder, after all..."

I grew up in a family where it wasn't good to say what you wanted to say.  I learned early on that saying what other people wanted to hear was much more rewarding in the short term.  My mistake was having it take until I was out of university to figure out that it wasn't as rewarding as it seemed.  Not for me, anyway.   The freedom to be yourself, to really realize that you can sustain or drown yourself at will, is profound.  It takes time with this knowledge to then begin to grow a "self". 

I am still working on my "self."  I am sure it is a lifelong project.  There are critical periods of development for physical skills; I am guessing that there may be for more delicate skills as well, but this "self" building does not seem to be one of them.  If it was then the world would be a much sadder place, I suspect.

My childhood was not shockingly abusive, or filled with the kind of heart wrenching moments that make mini-series and TV specials "spicy."  It was just, well, it was hard to define.  Hard for me to define, I suppose.  I would say it was defeating, and I'd know what I meant but I am am uncertain that anyone else would.  I was loved and I knew I was loved.  The love that was there was distracted, blunted...defeated.  Yes, defeated works well as a description.  I will just leave it at that.

The process of this developing sense of "self" has been evident in my children for a good long while now.  This emergence has me in awe.  I see them make choices, express themselves, wonder and question and I am in love.  In love with them and in love with the burgeoning suspicion that I am better at this parenting thing that I think possible. 

This blog is so random and unfocused.  So far, I am okay with that.  I should be, I put it out there for all to see.  With time I hope that I can somehow find a way to thread my thoughts together.  I write to allow myself to be less critical, which I why I edit these blog entries as little as possible, I don't want to over think this as I do so many other things. 

Cohesiveness comes later, for now I am still learning to balance.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

So far this using my resources is going well, not great but marginally better than okay and definately better than not at all.

I have discovered that I can do the things I set out to do, and that I am really the only obstacle in my way.  This is mainly true because I believe it is best to keep my goals in the realm of possibility, at least for now.  I am not trying to reach to "exceed my grasp."  I am trying to grasp what I reach for. 

In Februrary I decided to focus on forgiveness and helpfulness.  I went out of my way to do favours for people.  I gave sage advice to young people who actually wanted to listen.  I did my utmost to view life from the eyes of the other person.  I did this because I chose to.  I selected February because of the awfully commercial faux holiday Saint Valentine's Day.  If you actually love and care about people, premade schmaltzy cards, overpriced flowers, slave labour driven chocolate and one single day to stuff it all in, while being a retaillers dream, doesn't acually do it for me. 

This month's resources are time and attitude.  I can't say I have knocked it out of the park so far, but I could call it a double and be fair.  My choices are still working for me, I am working for them, if I wasn't already one being I would call it symbiotic.  Making the decision to spend my resources was easy.  Rediscovering that this kind of currency resupplies itself the faster it is spent is something of a Valentine's gift to myself.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

Martin Luther King, Jr.