My core is decent, loveable and worth discovering. When I am your good friend and I love you I will give you all I have. Perhaps even more than you will see. I will give all of it willingly and without regret and sometimes it will happen without you noticing.
It's not all joy and rainbows. Sometimes I give too much, and that can be difficult. I am complicated. I have layers and layers and there are splinters in some of them. I don't make it easy to love me sometimes. I think I am worth it, though. At least most of the time I do. I will get there.
When my security and trust are threatened, that is when I will make it difficult. I can read when things are shaky, even if I don't recognize it fully and I am not consciously aware of the dissonance. When there is uncertainty and discord under the surface it eats at me in the background and my automatic brain starts to move into defensive mode.
I need to feel secure. I need to know who I can trust. When my security and trust are threatened I find myself spiralling down. I can feel how you feel. If you and I are close, if we share penetralia this will wear at me until I am thin and before I have realized it my amygdala is kicking in. As is true with anyone, the more you mean to me, the more I will feel the joy or the pain. It's where I live, there is very little balance with things like this and me. I do, or I do not.
If I think you are not there for me and don't want to be I will start to push at the corners and see how you react. I didn't really know this about me before. I wasn't fully aware of it.
I need to be held on to. I want to be told that I am important. The wanting to be told I am important, that I matter is not new; nor have I ever, ever hidden that. I hate asking for it, but I will if it isn't given freely. I will stop asking though, if you don't answer. And I will hurt because of it.
I want to be chased, rightly or wrongly I want to know that I am worth chasing. If you don't chase me or reassure me I will choose for you. Chasing doesn't mean running after me, but it does mean noticing if I am trying to go. Noticing when I am scared and feeling unloved, unworthy. I wish this wasn't true. I really do. I am working on this as well. I am. If I don't think you believe I am worth loving I distance myself. I give up. I don't want to impose or to chase after you if you aren't interested. If you go through the motions and tick the boxes, but don't pay attention to the details and to the things I am saying are important to me, I see that clearly and it shouts at me. I see if even if you don't.
If I feel like you are going to reject me, it's easier for me to decide that you don't want me than for me to wait until you tell me that for yourself. Rejection is too difficult for me to take. So very, very difficult. If I matter to you, you wouldn't make a choice that would destroy part of me unless it enriched you so much that it was worth the risk. This I would try to understand. This would still hurt, but I would get it. It's about you, as much as I try to insert myself into your life and make myself important, your life is about you. I know this.
I want to be chosen. Rightly or wrongly it's what I need. I will work on that. I have been for years. This I knew already. This I need someone who loves me to understand. I need to be shown that I am important.
I need you to love me because, not in spite of. I need you to understand that I am small and scared and very very insecure. But I am worth it. I really, really hope I am.
If you break my trust it will shatter into very small pieces that I will use to poke myself with and blame myself for what you chose. I'll poke myself more than I poke you. I will own that hurt and blame myself. I don't know how to fix that, yet. If I trust myself to trust someone and then that person does something to show me how right I am to stay well guarded, to not open up, to keep myself in and not let myself completely be, I get hurt. It feels like I have been poisoned. It weakens me and makes me doubt everything I know.
How do you try again and open yourself up to that, again? What if I am wrong, again? How much of this shit can I take? Why can't I do this right? What did I do to deserve it? Why would I do that to myself? I need to figure out what I am doing so wrong to the people I care about to make that happen. I must, if anyone is ever going to be let in that far again. And I want that. Right now the idea of trusting anyone that deeply makes me weep. Sob, actually. That needs to change, too.
Diving into the "base" is not comfortable. It made me take a really good look around and realize that I didn't need it to be that way. My core is a fine place. I chose to be there.
My core will bleed into my base and heal it. I can let that happen. I will.
I don't need anything from anyone to make that happen. It's about me. I am probably better off on my own with this. I am worth loving. I can love myself until someone else realizes that I am worth it. It doesn't matter if anyone else is there for me. I am. I feel this way now, and I MUST sustain this.
Betrayal and hurt, anger and fear. These things don't have to shape me. I don't have to own any of it.
You don't have to get this. These are all for me. It's my own kind of therapy, remember?
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