"Balance is no harder, after all..."

I grew up in a family where it wasn't good to say what you wanted to say.  I learned early on that saying what other people wanted to hear was much more rewarding in the short term.  My mistake was having it take until I was out of university to figure out that it wasn't as rewarding as it seemed.  Not for me, anyway.   The freedom to be yourself, to really realize that you can sustain or drown yourself at will, is profound.  It takes time with this knowledge to then begin to grow a "self". 

I am still working on my "self."  I am sure it is a lifelong project.  There are critical periods of development for physical skills; I am guessing that there may be for more delicate skills as well, but this "self" building does not seem to be one of them.  If it was then the world would be a much sadder place, I suspect.

My childhood was not shockingly abusive, or filled with the kind of heart wrenching moments that make mini-series and TV specials "spicy."  It was just, well, it was hard to define.  Hard for me to define, I suppose.  I would say it was defeating, and I'd know what I meant but I am am uncertain that anyone else would.  I was loved and I knew I was loved.  The love that was there was distracted, blunted...defeated.  Yes, defeated works well as a description.  I will just leave it at that.

The process of this developing sense of "self" has been evident in my children for a good long while now.  This emergence has me in awe.  I see them make choices, express themselves, wonder and question and I am in love.  In love with them and in love with the burgeoning suspicion that I am better at this parenting thing that I think possible. 

This blog is so random and unfocused.  So far, I am okay with that.  I should be, I put it out there for all to see.  With time I hope that I can somehow find a way to thread my thoughts together.  I write to allow myself to be less critical, which I why I edit these blog entries as little as possible, I don't want to over think this as I do so many other things. 

Cohesiveness comes later, for now I am still learning to balance.