Time is never time at all.

Not a lyric that normally becomes background noise.

I am coming to terms with the reality of things.  Time, it took a lot of it.  I can be enough.  I can believe.


...

I am afraid of heights, again.

Fear is something to pay attention to.

My fear doesn't exist to make me weak;  it's teaching me to be strong.

This fear will teach me to rely on me; to depend on me.  It will teach me to be aware of my weakness and to realize that I am the only one who needs to take care of me.  I am the only person I need.

Wanting is irrelevant.  Need is what matters.

You don't have to understand this, world.  This is for me.

I got my own back.
Maya Angelou

Fall Back

Missing people isn't just about them; that doesn't make the feeling selfish.

If they hadn't been a significant part of my life, hadn't loved me and been loved then I wouldn't miss them.

Being missed shows us our presence was valued. Being missed helps us realize and believe we matter.   We make an impact.    We make a difference.   We are cared about.

When you leave people's lives by choice or by circumstance, but not because YOU didn't care, missing people is natural.

I have to stop wanting to stop missing the people no longer in my life.

They mattered.

I have to stop wanting to know I am missed.

Broken, Not Bent

I once told someone I love that people can't break each other.   People break themselves.   I was wrong, and I was right at the same time.

I am finding it impossible to NOT own the things that have been said about me,  to me,  by the people I love.

I am lonely.  I am scared.  And I am sad.  Every day.

Words can break people if they believe them.   If they are owned; if they fit.  If they are spoken by people you love and respect.  If they grow into your skin and tattoo themselves onto your cellular structure.

I just had surgery.  It was terrifying.  Still is,  really.   This hole in my figurative heart is even worse.  How can an inability to be worth loving,  narcissism, be cured?  Even after my chemical brain gets sorted I'm still left with my thinking brain.  Everything I read about being narcisistic indicates that it's a lifelong affliction.

I'm emotionally  poisonous and I will taint and twist love to bend it into something that breaks people.  I was told that about myself this year.

Having someone I love as well as I could love anyone show me how broken  I am cracked everything about me wide open and I saw it all spilled out in the light.

What I thought was the cruelest thing ever said to me is actually who I believe I am.   I was already broken.

People break each other every day.