What a useless thing to do. Truly, since when did waiting for other people to make things happen become the best choice?
I am waiting, waiting for June the 8th, then I will be waiting again for the biopsy results that won't come fast enough unless they give them to me right after I come from under the anaesthetic.
While I am waiting I move on, I get stuff done. It may not be earth shattering, news making, award winning stuff, but I am trying to make "it" better in the ways that I am able to.
If you don't think you can make a difference, that is pathetic. Every choice you make, every decision and purchase has the power to make a change. Small things add up, it's the details that make life worth living so it stands to reason that these details have value and power.
Waiting is part of living, it is what you do in the inbetween that can matter.
...You don't have to do extraordinary things, just do ordinary things extraordinarily well." John Rohn
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Monday, 7 May 2012
The Elephant in the Womb
There really is no good way to share scary news, no good way to blunt the edge it all.
I have a mass, well two actually, in my uterus. They are most likely fibroids, benign, annoying and too large to remove the conventional way. "Most likely" scares me. Probably the two scariest words when it comes to tumors. The scariest being only one word and too frightening for me right now.
I am "most likely" fine. "Most likely" I will need a hysterectomy. With the "at best" involving removing a significant part of my anatomy and the "at worst" involving a discussion of survival percentages the real meaning of fear has crept up my spine and settled firmly into the back of my brain.
There are too many qualifying quotations in this post. Bad literary form. Good form be damned, I am not trying to impress you with my fabulous wordsmithing, not this time.
My wonderful husband is beside himself with worry, and strives desperately not to project it. His sleepless nights and sad eyes are a mirror of my own. We know we can't let this drag us down, we know that the odds are in our favour, we know I am "most likely" going to be fine. It is so easy to think that that should be enough, and so hard to make it so.
In early June I will be schedule for a scope and a biopsy. Sooner if I can get a cancellation.
May is going to be about keeping myself together and planning for the worst, because I can do that. I can hope for the best and plan for the worst, it is not just a cheesy proverb for us this month. This month it is the thread tying us to our lives, keeping us from drifting off into a useless world of worry and speculation. I am going to be fine, but if I am not, I refuse to make it harder for myself than it has to be.
I have a mass, well two actually, in my uterus. They are most likely fibroids, benign, annoying and too large to remove the conventional way. "Most likely" scares me. Probably the two scariest words when it comes to tumors. The scariest being only one word and too frightening for me right now.
I am "most likely" fine. "Most likely" I will need a hysterectomy. With the "at best" involving removing a significant part of my anatomy and the "at worst" involving a discussion of survival percentages the real meaning of fear has crept up my spine and settled firmly into the back of my brain.
There are too many qualifying quotations in this post. Bad literary form. Good form be damned, I am not trying to impress you with my fabulous wordsmithing, not this time.
My wonderful husband is beside himself with worry, and strives desperately not to project it. His sleepless nights and sad eyes are a mirror of my own. We know we can't let this drag us down, we know that the odds are in our favour, we know I am "most likely" going to be fine. It is so easy to think that that should be enough, and so hard to make it so.
In early June I will be schedule for a scope and a biopsy. Sooner if I can get a cancellation.
May is going to be about keeping myself together and planning for the worst, because I can do that. I can hope for the best and plan for the worst, it is not just a cheesy proverb for us this month. This month it is the thread tying us to our lives, keeping us from drifting off into a useless world of worry and speculation. I am going to be fine, but if I am not, I refuse to make it harder for myself than it has to be.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Perspective Happens
So...
had big plans for March. I really should know better by now.
On March 17th, for the second time in my life I found myself in a hospital emergency room wearing very little and feeling very scared.
How did they put it now, let's see if I can remember it correctly, severe vaginal hemorrhaging. Yes, it's is even more uncomfortable to experience than it is to read about so you can stop cringing now.
I appear to be better now, I have test results upcoming and it would seem as if I am going to survive this relatively intact. It seems as if removing a woman's uterus is considered unfashionable right now. Although as I told the nurses in the emergency department, "I don't need anything it has to give me anymore, anyhow. So if it has to go, out it goes!"
Seems like my hormones need some tweaking.
Anyhow, I missed out on needing a blood transfusion by a few points. I can't give blood right now, "they" think I should hold onto what I have got until I know for sure I am not going to spring a leak again.
So for now I am going to be thankful for the fact that 911 works, that the blood was there if I needed it, and that my messy house still has me in it.
If you can donate blood, please do so. I would have gone out and done so again (I have before) and will hope to soon.
April is about remembering to keep everything in perspective.
had big plans for March. I really should know better by now.
On March 17th, for the second time in my life I found myself in a hospital emergency room wearing very little and feeling very scared.
How did they put it now, let's see if I can remember it correctly, severe vaginal hemorrhaging. Yes, it's is even more uncomfortable to experience than it is to read about so you can stop cringing now.
I appear to be better now, I have test results upcoming and it would seem as if I am going to survive this relatively intact. It seems as if removing a woman's uterus is considered unfashionable right now. Although as I told the nurses in the emergency department, "I don't need anything it has to give me anymore, anyhow. So if it has to go, out it goes!"
Seems like my hormones need some tweaking.
Anyhow, I missed out on needing a blood transfusion by a few points. I can't give blood right now, "they" think I should hold onto what I have got until I know for sure I am not going to spring a leak again.
So for now I am going to be thankful for the fact that 911 works, that the blood was there if I needed it, and that my messy house still has me in it.
If you can donate blood, please do so. I would have gone out and done so again (I have before) and will hope to soon.
April is about remembering to keep everything in perspective.
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